the sub files

the chronicled experiences and musings of a sub-in-training

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Who’s Training Who?

I expected to update more frequently after my last post. I finally have a committed partner who, though largely inexperienced, is very adventurous and open-minded. He fits easily into the Dominant role & I assumed that after explaining my unique sexual needs, things would flow seamlessly.

I suppose things are flowing somewhat, though to say that it’s been seamless would be very generous. In fact, things have been frustrating in so many different ways that I’m not sure where to begin.

I finally ended up telling Brandon that some things would have to change in our sex life and that I do not enjoy vanilla sex. At the time he was very supportive and agreed that he also preferred kinkier, more adventurous sex. He made a commitment to do more research and try to figure out his Dom personality. I gave him advice when I could and pointed him in the direction of as many BDSM resources that I could find.

For a while, things were good.

We spent the 4th of July weekend in a secluded cabin in the mountains and tried role playing for the first time. He absolutely loved it, in fact, possibly too much. I played the young camper who attempts to seduce her camp counselor and after he finally relents, is humiliated and shamed for it. The next day we tried a scenario where I was in a bubble bath and he busted in the bathroom with a musket (it was lying around the cabin), sunglasses and a towel around the lower half of his face to appear like a robber. He then dragged me to the bedroom and attempted to have his way with me, but I called red because the scene was just a little too realistic for my taste.

Which brings me to our problem…

Brandon is great at role playing, but he’s still yet to grasp the importance of mental dominance and ensuring that I’m in a comfortable, submissive state both before and after scenes. Our scenes feel hollow, like acting, and the thought is always in the back of my head that I’m the one calling the shots, he’s not really in control.

He doesn’t understand that I want to be made to feel like putty, moldable, a blank canvas for him to paint with bruises, bite marks and scratches.

The hesitance of his touch, that unspoken question of permission, tells me that he has yet to accept the control that I’ve offered to him. I’ve told him to take my body at his leisure and yet every time he approaches me with caution and insecurity, communicating to me that I shouldn’t surrender, that I should remain alert and anxious in case he needs guidance or reassurance.

After that holiday weekend, our sex slowly reverted back to vanilla. I understand. Sometimes you just want to roll over in the morning and slide it inside of me without having to do the entire submissive/Dominant dance. I wish he would understand that those moments, that quick five minute fuck first thing in the morning or lazy love making as we drift into sleep, are still opportunities for him to dominate me, opportunities for him to take charge.

Instead he needles, prods and does all of the usual tricks boys do when they’re trying to get some, and all it does is grate on me and make me feel inadequate when those gestures fail to arouse me in the slightest.

Then I see my friends talking about new things they’re trying and how they’re exploring their sexuality and I’m frustrated that I seem to have retrogressed and am back at square one. I can’t even imagine when we’ll be at the point where I’m actually trying new things instead of attempting to introduce him to kinks and scenarios that I’ve been long familiar with.

He can’t seem to get past the physicality of everything. He keeps bringing up bondage tape and how he wants to buy some. I bite my tongue from telling him that some Doms do not rely on tools, they can simply fix their sub in a position, command her to stay and know that even if she wanted to move, she would be unable to. I crave that mental dominance so much.

I finally brought it up again, in perhaps too blunt of terms. I told him abrasively, unapologetically that vanilla sex simply DOES NOT work for me. I understand that for him kink and BDSM are added elements that enhance sex, but for me they are something I need to enjoy sex fully and until we incorporate more of that into our sex life it will suffer.

I immediately regretted by brashness, especially since I know how sensitive men are about sex and their performance, but sex is important to me in a relationship and it isn’t fair that I have to make sacrifices while he’s perfectly content to go on having the boring sex that’s shaped his experience thus far.

Sometimes I think about asking him if I can get another Dom or Domme, someone who I wouldn’t be sexual with, but who could demonstrate on me and to him how the mental aspect of BDSM works and how to create standards and expectations in our relationship so it feels less like he’s playing a role and more like a lifestyle.

I don’t know how to teach him. Lately I’ve found myself reflecting fondly on my past Doms, B and even Marcus, but especially B and the way he was capable of taking charge without needing reassurance or anything from me outside of willingness. I think about the way he grabbed my hair first thing in the morning and guided my face to his cock, confident that my mouth would open to receive him.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I care about Brandon deeply and I wouldn’t end what we have over this, not when he’s so great the other 95% of the time and otherwise so perfect for me. I just need him to really understand what a commitment this lifestyle is and that if he wants to be with me, it’s something that we’ll have to incorporate to some degree.

Since our talk the other day he’s become slightly more active on Fetlife and has thanked me for the kick in the ass, but I can’t help being skeptical, wondering if in two weeks we’ll be back at this same place.

My roommate is going out of town for the next 8 days so he’s planning his first role play scenario for Friday. All I know is that I’ll be playing his younger stepdaughter. I’m not sure how involved it’s going to be. It’s hard for me not to break character if it’s more than an hour or so.

I know that I play a role in all of this too. I can’t just expect Brandon to fit into this role without effort, without information or guidance. I think the problem is that he’s been looking to me for that information and guidance and that has been counterproductive in helping me to feel submissive towards him. I know how important it is to be patient, to let him figure out how he best fits into the role and what works for him. I just want him to try.

Filed under d/s dominant dominance bdsm submissive submission kink fetish role play the-sub-files

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You Can’t Teach a New Dom Old Tricks

Fuck nicknames. My new boyfriend, or  rather, the man I last spoke about on here & then referred to as #NKOTB has a name & it is Brandon. He’s a total attention whore musician so chances are he’d be more upset at NOT having been properly identified than the reverse.

And yes, you read that correctly. After 9 months of “playing the field” and pseudo-relationships, I have an actual, bona fide boyfriend.

It’s hard.

Well, let’s not be too dramatic. It’s hard in the way that all relationships are hard. We’re two individuals with different backgrounds, standards, needs and wants and we’re attempting to combine all of that to invest in a committed relationship. There’s definitely been an adjustment period.

For the most part though, we fit. We are both passionate about our ideas, art, growth and knowledge. We have similar morals and beliefs. We are both open minded and adventurous and although he talks too much from time to time, it’s a small sacrifice to make for someone who makes it a mission to ensure that I never have to carry anything heavier than 5 lbs when he’s around.

It’s almost more vanilla than I can handle….

Which brings me to the topic du jour: sex, or specifically, our sex life.

I waited about a month before having sex with Brandon and I have to say I really lucked out in that department. He has a lovely, girthy dick and a sex drive that sometimes eclipses my own. Although he was having EXTREMELY vanilla sex prior to meeting me, he’s completely open and willing to experiment.

I made it a point not to try to push him in any specific direction when it came to BDSM. I told him what I liked, but didn’t mention too much about the power-exchange dynamics because I wanted him to gravitate towards the role that he felt most secure and comfortable in. I was fine with incorporating kink into our sex, but having a fairly “vanilla” relationship outside of the bedroom.

Well, lo and behold, Brandon has quite the inner-Daddy. He told me recently that although he never did any dominating in the past, the role just seems to “fit”, which makes me glad.

And although I’m very satisfied with our sex life, I do find myself impatient (my fatal flaw!) when I have to come up with certain scenarios or role plays because he just isn’t used to thinking creatively in that context yet. I also realized how limited my own knowledge is regarding the Dom side of things.

For example, I typically love spankings, but I haven’t been able to enjoy them as much because Brandon doesn’t really know how to mentally engage me and get me to the mental space where I begin to interpret pain as pleasure. For this reason, most of our spanking sessions are pretty brief. I’ve given him tips on drawing out the scene and building up my tolerance, but it seems I have to reiterate them every time we play.

He had never spanked, slapped or been willfully violent to a woman before me (which in most cases would be a plus) and sometimes I have to remind him to choke, spank or slap me during sex. Sometimes I find his dirty talk uninspired and wish he’d veer from the safer epithets like “slut” and shock me by calling me his “bitch”, “whore” or “cumslut.”

I also have to admit my recent realization that vanilla sex or old fashioned penis-in-vagina sex just really doesn’t do it for me unless I’m in a completely vulnerable, submissive state. If I don’t feel used or objectified, I find it seems to drag on. I prefer to engage in foreplay for a while and for sex to be the closing act, not the main event.

While Brandon does excel at “regular” foreplay (oral sex, stimulation of the general erogenous zones), he’s having difficulty with the mind fucking aspect. I want to feel like helpless putty by the time we get to penetration.

It’s difficult to put into words because the aforementioned is not something I can teach Brandon. I don’t know how to dominate someone, I only know I enjoy being dominated a certain way. I do see how Brandon is learning the role and becoming more confident in it, but I think he could use a mentor to break down the more mental aspects of a D/s relationship.

Luckily, he’s very open minded and friendly so it’s really just a matter of getting out and mingling in the community. In fact, my roommate’s boyfriend is a Daddy Dom as well and Brandon has mentioned asking him for tips.

I suppose some amount of growth is happening on my end because I’m wise enough to know that it will take patience and understanding on my part as well as his. Three months ago he had never even spanked a girl. Since then he’s learned about orgasm control, impact play, degradation, humiliation and an array of other kinks. I’d imagine it’s all a lot to take in and there’s probably already a degree of pressure on him since I’m more experienced than he is.

I don’t mean to give the impression of dissatisfaction. As I said before, all of the ingredients for a superb sex life are there, it’s just a matter of mixing them together in a way that allows for optimal pleasure. I see how great he could be in this role and I’m impatient to see how it ultimately manifests.

I’m enjoying myself in the meantime though.

In fact, I’m introducing Brandon to his first kink event, which will be the going away party for a prolific dungeon space in Los Angeles, next weekend.

I’ll be updating more often now that my apartment search has finally ended (Thanks Westside Rentals!) and I finally have privacy and reliable wifi so keep checking The Sub Files for updates on Brandon’s and my progress. Perhaps he should begin a journal for his Dom Files. Hmmm….

Filed under Dom Sub submission D/s daddy dom kink fetish BDSM domination

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Refamiliarizing Myself with the Taste of Vanilla

I haven’t necessarily been feeling very submissive lately. That could be due in part to the fact that I don’t have a steady Dominant partner right now, but even thinking back to The Boy Scout’s and & my last weekend together, I didn’t submit very much, if at all. I hardly even let him spank me, but that was more due to my body’s chemistry being slightly altered and therefore much more sensitive and resistant to pain.

Or maybe I’m evolving. When I first became interested in “pursuing” kink I identified as a switch, but even then I felt I fell more on the submissive side of that scale. I still do actually, but lately I’ve been feeling like much more of a bottom than a submissive. The idea of following orders or protocols or rules, everything that I was so eager to have with B and other dominant partners, is laughable to me now. The inclination seems to have escaped me.

Don’t get me wrong. I still crave many of the same sexual acts that I interpret as submissive— humiliation, bondage, degradation, sadism— I’m just not as interested in the power play aspect of it at the moment.

Maybe this new boy, who I’ve since dubbed #NKOTB on twitter (an acronym for New Kid on the Block) is partly responsible for these feelings. It’s been over a year since I’ve dated anyone outside of kink circles and as trepidatious as I was going in, it’s actually been really refreshing. There’s an innocent quality to vanilla dating that I didn’t realize I missed. I’m so used to meeting someone and already knowing so much about their sexual preferences and kinks, even if I have no interest in sleeping with them, just because it’s viewed as such a casual subject in kink circles. It’s almost like getting to know someone backwards.

NKOTB and I haven’t done more than kiss and fondle and it’s been really nice hanging out with someone and getting to know their vanilla interests and seeing what other ways we’re compatible before jumping into bed. I have to admit that even my last couple more serious relationships became physical fairly quickly. I’m not completely knocking that course, it does force you to become comfortable and intimate with a person and let your guard down sooner than you normally would. It can also create an intoxicating false intimacy that makes you feel that you know each other better than you actually do.

I’ve also mentioned my wariness about incorporating lifestyle kink or BDSM into my long-term relationships. I wonder if I can commit to playing the role of the submissive housewife (which is the role I’d choose) for an indefinite period of time. I think there’s a part of me that’s naturally drawn to the more extreme and taboo side of life, that wants to challenge myself to see how much I’m capable of, to see how much I can shock myself with my behavior.

That would be fine except a power-exchange relationship isn’t a game. There are a lot of Doms who treat it like a game, but most people participate in it because that’s the dynamic they’re most comfortable with and they feel safest and most secure with those protocols and expectations in place. I don’t want to involve myself with someone who sees themselves in a fixed role as a Dom or Master and down the line change my mind about being completely submissive.

As I’ve hung out with NKOTB and got to know him more, I’m reminded that vanilla relationships don’t have to be as boring as they sometimes seem. I like that we have flexibility in our roles, that one day I can act sassy towards him and the next I can be an obedient little kitten and everything else in between.

However, outside of the power-exchange dynamic, I’ve pretty much realized that vanilla sex, or sex without a certain degree of BDSM and kink has no appeal to me. Last Saturday I went out with NKOTB and afterwards I slept over. We spent the entire next day in bed just cuddling and talking and I decided to broach the topic in an offhanded manner. I asked him about his porn preferences, and though he didn’t really have any, I suppose the inquiry let him know that he’s free to discuss sex with me casually and not feel awkward about it. I mentioned that I’m a bit of a “pain junkie” as well and used spankings as an example. He was really open to everything even though a lot of it was new.

Last night we went to a concert and afterwards I stayed over again. I must have taken one too many puffs of that joint because I remember disclosing some of my more taboo kinks to him, including my fetish for nonconsensual consent and humiliation. When he was taking his pants off I admired his thick leather belt and the next thing I knew I was on all fours being spanked with it, haha.

It was REALLY fun exposing him to that and watching him discover how much he enjoyed being in control. I could also tell that he was getting off on hurting me and the fact that no matter how hard he hit me, it still wasn’t breaking me. As I started telling him more about my experience and things I like I could tell that he was excited to try some things. He even proposed the use of a ski mask during a consensual nonconsent role play.

Overall, I feel pretty good about everything. I feel like we’re on the same page with everything and that he has a decent idea of what I like and am looking for. I really like that he’s been so open and laidback, especially about sex.

Last night we were making out and hands were starting to travel so I pulled away and awkwardly told him, “I have to tell you something.” The exact words no one wants to hear. He pulled away and I blurted out, “I don’t want to have sex tonight.” At which he laughed and assured me that that was perfectly fine.

So now I feel a little weird about having this control, of being left with the decision of when we’ll have sex. That sentence seems to imply that the decision hasn’t always been left up to me, and while that’s not true, I do think that this is the first time in a long while a guy has been adamant about waiting until I’m ready. It puts a lot of pressure on me, although I’m sure that’s not what he intended.

It’s also weird because I actually do like him and I’m worried that sex will change things. Inevitably it will, probably for the better, but I can’t help wanting to enjoy where we’re at right now.

I guess I’m just enjoying the anticipation for now.

Filed under the-sub-files BDSM submissive dominant vanilla

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Guess Who’s Back?

I know… I know… Where the fuck have I been? A lot of places, but the primary reason I haven’t been updating is because other creative projects have taken priority for the time being.

But I have a few musings I need to get off my chest so here I am.

I haven’t really been doing anything noteworthy lately. The “Dom friend” I mentioned in my last entry has become a very occasional play partner of sorts. If you follow me on twitter you may have seen me refer to him as The Boy Scout so that’s just what I’ll continue to call him. He has a particular talent for tying rope, hence how he earned the nickname.

The Boy Scout lives in San Diego and although we have a lot in common, he also has two kids from a previous marriage and at the moment I can’t see myself getting seriously involved with someone who has kids. It’s cool though because when he visits we are kind of obsessed with each other for those two days and then he leaves before I can get sick of him.

I’m learning that I really love bondage, especially rope. I like testing the ties and trying to squirm or wriggle free. He’s also introduced me to forced orgasms, which have either been wonderful or torturous, I can’t decide which. He’s going to school for alternative Asian medicine so he showed me a technique called fire cupping that is used to relieve tension and back pain. Basically he takes a special cup, sterilizes it and then burns the rim so that there’s no air remaining in the cup and slaps it on the skin so that it suctions tightly. It stings for a second when the cup is placed on the skin, but otherwise it feels like a really deep tissue massage. I felt wonderful and relaxed afterwards.

Other than that I haven’t been seeing anyone, but about two weeks ago a guy that I went out with once four years ago added me on Facebook.

I honestly don’t remember how we originally met, but when we went out he came over to my apartment, which at the time was in Silverlake, and we walked to this bar around the corner from me called Cha Cha Lounge. That place is a total douchefest now, but it used to be awesome and I remember on that night he bought me a mixed drink and himself a shot and a beer for $11 total. We had a really awesome time and got super drunk and after leaving Cha Cha around 1am went to the 24 Hour Ralph’s across the street and bought stuff to make fajitas. When we got back to my place he made me fajitas and we watched Southpark until we both passed out. We didn’t do anything, I think the most he did was give me a kiss on the cheek when he left the following morning.

And I never spoke to him again after that.

If I remember correctly, I either lost my phone or replaced it shortly afterwards and didn’t have my contacts backed up at the time. I had no other way of contacting him and I didn’t know his last name. He never called me either, even though my phone number never changed.

So fast forward to two weeks ago and he’s requested me as a friend on Facebook which surprises me because it takes me like ten minutes of stalking his profile to remember who he is.  He starts messaging me and explains that he found my Facebook on some blog I wrote (I immediately thought of The Sub Files and panicked, but it was a music review I did a long time ago). As we’re catching up, I finally work up the courage to ask him what the fuck happened to him four years ago. He explains that he’d been having stomach problems the following morning (which explains why he kept randomly going outside to “look at the reservoir”) and that he’d thought it had been obvious and I guess was just too embarrassed to call again. I, of course, had no idea about any of this. He says he later tried to Google me, but couldn’t find me.

So as we’re catching up we start talking about bars and how all of the used-to-be cool bars in Echo Park and Silverlake are lame now and how we both like this place called Blipsy Barcade that’s basically an old school arcade/dive bar. He tells me he lives down the street and goes there all the time. Bets are wagered. Threats to destroy one another in Galaga and Centipede are issued. A date is chosen.

Cut to last night. I meet him at his place and we head to Blipsy. I’d just been in traffic and was generally feeling worn out from the work week so I was a complete brat until I got some whiskey in me. After that we started having fun and basically did a duplicate of our last date, aside from us being at his place instead of mine and nobody having diarrhea in the morning.

We did make out a bit, which was interesting because I haven’t messed around with anyone “vanilla” in over a year. He kissed so gently, haha. It was fun though because as I became more playful and started biting him, I could tell it was getting him excited. The idea of introducing someone new to kink is a little thrilling, though also intimidating. In any case, it’s not really relevant, he was a perfect gentleman and hands never ventured further than my chest, aside from one quick swat on the tush, which I can’t really blame him for because I wasn’t wearing pants. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned it before, but I’m a bit of a nudist and find clothes to be really constricting, particularly pants. As soon as we started laying down, I had to take them off, haha. Lucky for me I was drunk enough not to care.

This morning we went to a Mexican restaurant for an early lunch. Afterwards I dropped him off and came home since I needed a nap (which I have yet to take) and have a lot to do today. I’m also a little hungover and wanted to brush my teeth.

I teased him about staying in touch this time and he made it pretty clear that he’d like to spend time together again soon. I guess we’ll see.

I’ve been wondering lately how important it is for me to have a power-exchange dynamic in my relationships. With The Boy Scout, I bottom to him when we’re in scene, but otherwise we treat each other as equals. It seems to work for us, especially since he’s more of the nurturing, guiding Dom type than an authoritarian, more demanding Dom like The Sadist.

When I really think about involving kink in my long-term relationships I don’t know how realistic a 24/7 dynamic is for me. I admire those who have the commitment to become slaves, but I think I’m learning that I’m more of a bottom or a sassy submissive. I’ve recently learned to embrace my inner brat and I love talking back to my Top and antagonizing him, always resulting in more punishments obviously. The Boy Scout left stripes from a rubber cane that have only just faded.

I also wonder though, especially as I think about this new boy’s potential, whether I could be in a relationship that did not involve kink at all. I doubt it. The Boy Scout, being a more nurturing type, is not really into degradation or humiliation and although I always have fun during our sessions, I do sometimes miss being called a dirty little slut, haha. I have made some vague comments about kink to the new boy, I told him about Stockroom, a fetish toy and clothing store in Silverlake and how my friends invited me to a fetish play party tonight (though I won’t be going). He didn’t seem repulsed or overly surprised by anything so that’s good.

We’ll see.

Be back soon. ;)

Filed under submissive dominant BDSM kink

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The Power of Dom Compels You!

As my posts here become more and more sporadic, I’m forced to consider the longevity of a blog of this nature. I haven’t made a real effort to be anonymous and have a handful of friends that read it. That’s not a problem as I’m pretty open about these proclivities, but it does present a problem for the people who have not consented to being on the blog and whose identities I’m attempting to protect. It seems that fact almost forces me to either be anonymous or to be much less forthcoming with details. I haven’t decided which choice will prevail…

I rescheduled dinner with Vinny. Partly because I was tired and didn’t have any real interest in seeing him and partly because I didn’t want to feed any assumptions about what dinner on Valentine’s Day implied. We’re supposed to hang out next week, but it’s like the longer we correspond (remember, I’m used to getting a simple greeting once or twice a year) the more I remember what an empty vessel he is. The main thing that attracted me to Vinny four or five years ago were his looks. I was also young so I didn’t really have as clear of an idea as I do now about what I need from a romantic partner. Now I realize how little we have in common and it just kind of seems like a waste of time (something that I have a precious amount of lately) to go out to dinner and pretend to entertain the idea of us ever revisiting any sort of relationship beyond a friendship. And even a friendship seems unlikely.

After having more time to reflect, I think part of what was annoying me so much with Marcus and his recent influx in kink activity was a selfish sense of protection I feel towards “the lifestyle”. I felt a sort of knee jerk, “No, that’s mine!” reaction (akin to taking a toy away from a toddler). I guess because his interest in kink and BDSM seemed to be more of an “in the bedroom” thing, it felt like he was trying to infringe on my territory. Knowing Marcus, I doubt that was his intention. Perhaps I was a little miffed that he’d moved on so quickly after campaigning so hard for our relationship. Either way, it’s not my business any longer and I’ve stopped trying to analyze his motivations.

I’ve also been thinking about some of the mixed signals I gave Marcus while we were dating and what that reveals about my submissive nature. I was simultaneously telling him to take more control and be more assertive while also rebelling and rejecting any attempts he made to take that control. I thought back to my relationship w/B and how I’d been so willing to forgo power with him at first, but then as he became less and less available, my will to submit lessened; I started ignoring assignments, lying about completing assignments and playing without his permission.

This brought me back to my demeanor as a young adult and even a child. I thought about how much I rebelled against my mother, how I didn’t want to act out so much as I wanted to remove the imposition of her will. I resented that she had control over some of my actions and choices, especially as I was becoming an adult and forging my own path separate from hers.

Basically, I realized that I’ve always had a naturally rebellious and resilient spirit and although I do feel that submission in a relationship is very helpful to my growth as a human being, I need to feel compelled to submit. Beyond that, I’ve also realized that it takes a very specific Dom character for me to feel that need.I think at first I was so excited to submit that I latched onto whatever Dom was available, but as I start to come into my own as a submissive, I’m realizing more and more that most dominant men don’t ignite that feeling in me. I think with Marcus it was a case of me longing to submit, but being unable to feel submissive with him specifically.

Now that I am cognizant of this fact, it will be both easier and more difficult to find a partner. Easier because I know that if that feeling doesn’t exist it won’t work out, but harder because that makes my search that much more difficult. So far, I’ve really only felt submissive to B and even that started to wane as he became less available.

It’s also difficult because most Doms do not picture a rebellious, bullheaded, opinionated woman as the perfect sub. That’s not to say that I can’t or won’t be submissive or obedient with someone who inspires those feelings in me, but underneath that submission I will always be me.

I’m no longer in a rush though. I’m fine with waiting months, years if need be, for the Dom who understands that I can be smart-mouthed, sassy and still willing to obey his every desire.

I’ve been too busy to even think about dating though. This weekend is the first time since I got my new job that I’ll be venturing back out into the scene. I have a Dom-friend from San Diego who is coming up for the three-day weekend and we have quite the fetish-filled weekend planned. I met him almost a year ago at an event, but as you can imagine, the 120 miles between us has proven to be a hurdle in our budding friendship. Luckily, one of his favorite authors is doing a reading in LA on Sunday so he had a good reason to visit. I think he’ll prove to be the perfect distraction for a weekend and hopefully I can convince him to give me a friendly beating.

He’s also promised to introduce me to fire cupping, which I’ve always been too intimidated to try, but once he explained its therapeutic uses I became intrigued. I’ll definitely update to let you all know my thoughts on it.

Filed under the sub files Dom sub s/m BDSM submiss d/s submission domination

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(Insert Gotye Song Title Here)

I’ve been lying low since my last entry, but since I “broke up” with Marcus something’s been bothering me.

Let me start off by saying that Marcus and I are friends on FetLife, which is a kink social network that I’ve mentioned before. After I broke up with him, I hid his activity from my feed. I didn’t want to be tempted to lurk and I didn’t really care to see who he was talking to and other things of that nature.

What’s bothering me is I’ve noticed that he’s been RSVP’ing to a lot of the same events as me and I can’t help feeling that he’s sort of violating my space. I know it’s not logical and the events are open to everyone, but I am not comfortable attending a kink event, especially a party where he or I might be playing with someone else, if he’s there. That’s not unreasonable, is it?

I don’t think he’s trying to keep tabs on me, but I do feel— and maybe this is just my own bitchy assumption— that this recent influx in kink activity is his way of saying, “Fuck you, I AM a Dom, see? See how involved with the community I am?”

And yea, maybe I am a little… not jealous, but perturbed that less than a week after I broke up with him he’s even more active than he was before. Something about that just seems disingenuous to me, but again, maybe that’s just me being a bitch.

In any case, it’s making me not want to go anywhere or do anything because I’m not ready to pretend to be friends with him yet. I told him that I wanted to be friends when we broke up, but doesn’t everyone say that? It’s also weird because Marcus is the first person I’ve broken up with who I have absolutely no ill feelings towards and who I believe to be the sort of person I would eventually like to be friends with. It’s hard to come to terms with those feelings and also have to worry about encountering him so soon.

So I don’t know, maybe I’m resentful that by being so active in the community, he’s making me feel like I can’t be. Or maybe I’m protective because I think for him this is an act or a novelty and for me it’s a lifestyle. Not that it’s any of my business or job to decide what role kink should serve to others, but I’m sure our previous relationship has something to do with it.

In other news, I was recently contacted out of the blue by a very vanilla ex boyfriend. I dated Vinny four years ago and though we were off-and-on for only six months I was absolutely smitten with him. I was about 60 lbs heavier and very insecure at the time and Vinny was very attractive and it made me feel better about myself that he liked me. Of course, he treated me fairly shitty and I doubt liked me very much, but for some reason we remained on fair terms afterwards. Every now and then he says hello, but that’s usually as far as the conversation goes.

This time he asked me out. I had every reason to say no, but that damn curiosity compelled me to agree. When I last saw Vinny he was working at a warehouse, living in a crummy studio apartment and generally directionless in life. Since then he has become an investor and bought a house in the Hollywood Hills. It’s funny because when we were dating I worried that he wasn’t ambitious enough. I guess he showed me.

I’m also curious because Vinny is one of the few vanilla boyfriends that I’ve disclosed some of my kinkier fantasies to. He seemed open to them at the time, but wasn’t really an aggressive or dominant personality so I think he expected me to initiate them. I will say that I probably had more anal sex with him than any other partner, so I suppose that counts for something even though I don’t really consider that kinky or taboo any longer.

I don’t expect anything will come of it. If anything I want to gauge how much my preferences have matured and changed since we were together. Will the same things about him turn me on? Will he have changed at all?

Plus, who am I to turn down a free dinner and drinks?

Fuck. I just realized Thursday is Valentine’s Day. We’re going out on Thursday. I chose the date because I work at my less demanding job on Friday which means I can stay out a bit later and maybe have an extra drink.

Shit.

Filed under kink D/s submissive dominant thesubfiles

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Submission: A Gift Deserving of One

If you haven’t figured it out by now, let me state an obvious fact: Sometimes I do dumb things. Sometimes I even know they’re dumb while I’m doing them.

An example:

If you’ll go back to this entry, it’s pretty clear that I was completely ready to end things with Marcus. I had many reasons for doing so, but a lot of them were based on assumptions that I had never directly asked him about.

I sent him a chicken shit break up email that didn’t at all go into my reasons behind ending things. To be honest, there were SO many reasons and since most of them boiled down to incompatibility I didn’t think going into them would be productive for either of us.

We went to coffee. I got high beforehand and was a nervous, stammering wreck. He was calm, cool, collected and made an excellent case for why we should remain involved. By the end of our talk, he had convinced me to consider giving “us” another chance.

I didn’t think about it. Or rather, I thought about it for maybe two minutes before bed. I felt fairly ambivalent about it, which is probably a bad sign in itself and in the end settled on an answer of, “Why not?”

Last night, we had planned to attend a lecture on going from an in the bedroom BDSM relationship to Master/slave, but I ended up arriving at his place thirty minutes late and suggested a simple dinner and drink instead.

Dinner went well until our bill came. I was in the midst of discussing my novel when he interrupted me to say, “Why don’t you pay for dinner and let’s get out of here?”

Excusez-moi?

To be clear: I always offer to pay my way when I go out with someone. B was the sole exception to this and the only reason I stopped was because I got the feeling that my offering to pay was almost being taken as an offense. He was clearly in a better financial position than me and the dynamic he preferred dictated that he take care of me in any way he was capable. What I didn’t like about Marcus’ assertion (besides it being incredibly presumptuous) was that he was the one who had invited me to dinner and he’d also chosen where we went. If he didn’t want to pay for my dinner, fine, I wasn’t assuming that he would, but to tell me to pay for his?

For reasons that are beyond my understanding (I can only defend it as a moment of shock) I paid for the meal. Marcus and I went back to his place and talked about books over a glass of ale. The entire time my face was stubbornly fixed forward to discourage him from doing one of his impulsive grab and kiss moves (which in the entire time I’ve been dating him have always felt forced).

He asked me about my weekend plans and I danced around the topic, my stomach sinking at the thought of giving him any more of my preciously scarce free time. Vaguely, I told him Saturday evening might work.

When I got home I had another text from Adam, who I’ve made plans to get coffee with tonight.

And then I realized something:

I don’t want to date anyone. Even though I had a myriad of reasons to end things with Marcus, the most significant one is that dating right now feels like a chore I’d rather avoid.

This realization meant that this morning I had to craft another break up email to Marcus apologizing for my indecisiveness (and also telling him how uncomfortable he’d made me by strong arming me into paying for dinner), but that regardless of how long he’s willing to date casually, it’s just not something I’m willing to put energy and time into at this point.

I still have to send a similar text to Adam, though he hasn’t brought the topic of dating up yet, I just can’t seem to muster up the required enthusiasm that would allow me to get dressed, put makeup on and drive to that coffee shop this evening.

I don’t know what this means in regards to the blog and my submission. I’m not sure if it’s just because my only exposure to BDSM lately has been through Marcus, but I haven’t been feeling very “subby” lately. That’s not to say that I’m feeling more dominant, it would be more accurate to say that the desire— and occasional need— to submit to a Dominant is absent in me at the moment.

I think I’ve taken the wrong approach to pursuing a D/s relationship. It’s always been incorporated far too early on in the relationship (as a natural submissive, it’s extremely hard to stop myself when a Dominant takes control like that) before we’ve really had time to assess our definitions and judge whether we’re well-matched in regards to both BDSM and “vanilla” interests. There’s no foundation and as a result the relationship quickly disintegrates. That wouldn’t be that big of a deal, after all, relationships end all the time, but that additional element of BDSM requires so much trust and involvement that it makes the ensuing break up that much more difficult to deal with.

I didn’t deal with this so much with Marcus, but I definitely felt the backlash after B and I ended things. For a short time, I had given him complete control over me sexually, and as freeing as it was at the time and as much as I was yearning to do so, the fact that he did not stick around left me feeling both abandoned and directionless.

It’s been a learning curve and I think I’m finally on the other side of that curve after falling into the middle. I know that in order to be the best submissive I can be, I have to take care of myself first. Next time, I won’t present my submission as some sort of novelty prize, but as a carefully considered gift to one worthy recipient.

Filed under bdsm D/s m/s kink dom sub submission submissive

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Coffee While Under the Influence and a Blissfully Drenched Birthday

I wasn’t going to mention my actual birthday on here because I’m not really a “birthday person,” but then something happened that changed my mind:

I squirted last night.

It wasn’t my first time and it’s not particularly noteworthy EXCEPT I just so happened to look at the clock the moment afterwards and it was exactly 12:01am. I literally came into my 27th year squirting!

Since I’m here I guess I should tell you about the clusterfuck that was yesterday evening. 

I realized last night after my talk with Marcus why I don’t like nice people. Nice people have a way of making regular old shitty assholes like myself really feel like regular old shitty assholes. When nice people aren’t around it’s easier for me to pretend that I’m one of them.

So the first thing Marcus does after I sit down and we’ve exchanged pleasantries is ask for an explanation. I should probably note that just before I went to meet him I got some Baja Fresh and smoked weed with my brother. Just in case you’ve ever been curious about breaking up with someone whilst high, allow my experience to be your cautionary tale. I was so anxious I almost had a panic attack and I was talking like I’d just learned English last week. Luckily, Marcus isn’t a smoker and I’d put some Clear Eyes in beforehand so he just thought I was being incredibly tongue-tied and awkward, which truthfully is not that out of the ordinary. 

I tried to be politically correct at first. I insisted that it was nothing he did, I just felt that our connection was better suited to friendship. Somehow he managed to draw out of me my complaints about him as a Dom and his lack of experience. I told him I thought he had a different relationship to BDSM than myself, that I’m ultimately looking for a 24/7 Dom/sub or possibly even Master/slave relationship. I also told him that because he’s not a sadist it doesn’t seem like he enjoys hurting me or pushing those limits. 

Honestly I made a lot of assumptions. I didn’t realize it until Marcus was in front of me that most of the reasons I’d concocted to break up with him were based on assumptions I’d made that I’d never directly brought up to him. I think I was looking for evidence in his actions to back up those assumptions instead of just talking to him about it.

Marcus also brought up the fact that between the both of us we’ve been sick for the majority of January and haven’t had much time to bounce back or settle into any routine. He also told me that despite introducing me to SEVEN of his friends, his impression has been that we’re casually dating and not exclusive. I don’t know if I believe that, but maybe we just have a different pace when it comes to relationships. If I’m dating someone casually I’d expect to see them maybe once a week and I wouldn’t be inviting them to spend the night all the time or introducing them to my friends. 

So for an hour Marcus basically argued his case for why we should continue to see each other. He would make a really good lawyer because by the end of our coffee date he had me questioning whether I’d made a truly informed decision or if I hadn’t been hasty in some of my judgments. It is true that we did have chemistry at one point and we do have a lot in common, but I’ve quite warmed up to the idea of being single. As I told him, I’m in a transition period and I’m not even sure how much longer I’ll be living in LA. 

I also don’t see the point in dating if I can’t envision anything long-term developing. He says he’s fine with dating for a month or two and then seeing where things stand, but to me that seems like prolonging the inevitable. 

I told him I’d think about it for a few days. I will admit that I was thinking about him when I squirted last night so I suppose that’s a good sign. He still gives me a lady boner and that’s something you can’t fake. 

I don’t know. Am I being agreeable because I’m afraid of hurting the nice guy’s feelings or should I give Marcus another chance and work on communicating better? Since he didn’t balk at my mention of pursuing Master/slave in the future, I’m beginning to think he may be more open-minded than I originally gave him credit for. 

Time will tell. Until then I’m going to enjoy the rest of my birthday.

Filed under birthday BDSM Dom sub coffee marijuana squirting female ejaculation M/s D/s

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Sometimes Vanilla Doesn’t Taste So Good.

I’m sure you’ve been wondering where the hell I’ve been for the last couple of weeks. Or maybe you just completely forgot about this blog. It is on tumblr after all. 

Despite my last entry ending on a hopeful note, my feelings for Marcus began to diminish only a few days afterwards. I kept the charade going for a while, convincing myself that I was PMSing or being too picky and beating myself up for letting another “nice guy” go. I attempted to update The Sub Files during that time and I think I know now why I was having such difficulty:

I was in a vanilla relationship. 

If you want to call it a relationship. Whatever it was, it was vanilla.

Marcus had me fooled at first because with a few drinks in his system he’s able to fake the dominant role quite successfully, but in sober reality he has a nature to please and is what I consider to be overly agreeable. He’s also not as experienced as he first led me to believe (or maybe those were my own conclusions based on my experience at the time) and because I seem to have clear goals as a submissive, he often looked to me for guidance and approval. You can imagine how that would take me out of a submissive head space.

Aside from that, I missed the natural chemistry B and I had. Sex never needed an introduction with him, and although Marcus and I never got that far, he has an annoying habit of making intimacy formal by saying things like, “What are you in the mood for tonight?” and “Would you like to play for a little while?” As a submissive, I don’t like those decisions being left up to me. Generally speaking, I prefer for sex to feel spontaneous and primal. I like to be pounced on. I like to be told what I or we will be doing rather than asked what kinks I’d like to participate in. Because Marcus seemed incapable of giving me that direction, I began to lose interest.

In addition, Marcus is not a sadist. He’ll consent to hurting me to a small degree (spanking, nipple twisting, things like that) and seems to enjoy it, but his enjoyment is derived more from the pleasure I’m experiencing rather than a natural desire to inflict pain on others. I have conflicting feelings about breaking up with a guy because he’s “not sadistic enough.” 

I struggled with how to end things for about two weeks. For two weeks I kept up the act, but every time we’d hang out I’d be increasingly standoffish, combative and distant. It wasn’t something I was doing on purpose, but the more I realized I was not attracted to him romantically or sexually, the more everything he did began to annoy me. It got to the point where I could hardly receive a peck on the lips from him without outwardly cringing. When he proposed a fancy restaurant outing in honor of my birthday this week, I knew I had to come clean.

The thing is though, Marcus is really fucking nice. Every time we were together in person I would chicken out because I felt so bad about letting go of such a nice guy who has been nothing but respectful and honest with me.

So I went the chicken shit route and broke up with him via email. I’m not proud of the email I sent, it was inexpressive and blunt, but naturally he responded with complete understanding and even commended me on being “brave” and taking the initiative. See what I fucking mean? 

Anyway, he suggested we get coffee and talk things over this evening. I already told him that I think our “connection” is better suited to friendship so I’m hoping he doesn’t try to argue that decision. I’m not really sure what else we’d have to talk about. 

In other, kinkier news, I went to a free fetish party at my new favorite dungeon last weekend. Originally I didn’t have any plans to play— I was feeling bloated and not very sexy— but the Dom I mentioned in my last entry, the energy play expert, showed up with his play partner and they asked me to play with them.

For the sake of ease, let’s call the couple Adam and Eve. Adam isn’t really my type and because we’ve mostly corresponded via email and text, I hadn’t realized how nervous and awkward he is in person. He’s about 5’8, bald and permanently outfitted in a crisp, well-tailored suit. Eve is average height and curvy with closely-cropped platinum hair and mesmerizing mud-brown bedroom eyes. 

The scene was alright. I got a lot of compliments and apparently was “very responsive” though I didn’t take note of that. Energy play is about using the energy around and within people and manipulating it to cause a physical reaction. To an observer it looks dramatic and at times fabricated. I certainly felt sensations, but was nowhere near as affected as Eve was, who would shudder from a simple look. Later on in the scene Adam asked me to take off my bra and did some breast torture, which was fun. He also had me sit on Eve’s lap and had us engage with each other, which was also very satisfying. They want to play with me again, but I’m not sure since I’m not really attracted to Adam. I would play with Eve all day, but unfortunately I think they’re a package deal. 

Later on I let MJ spank me, but I don’t think I was  sufficiently “warmed up” because I didn’t enjoy it as much as I normally do. We had to stop because my skin was cold and causing the spanks to sting in a less than pleasurable fashion. I did find the next day that she left a cluster of bruises on my left buttcheek. For some reason that one bruises easier. 

I told Marcus about the energy play, but not about the spanking. I’m not sure why since I was already mentally checked out of the relationship at that point and we’ve never discussed exclusivity. I guess I was trying to spare his feelings because I know he has different attitudes towards playing casually and in public. 

As of now my only plans are to enjoy being single and continue to slowly explore my kinky submissive side. I’ve been tossing around the idea of trying to find a service Dom/sadist, someone who I would submit to in a non-sexual sense and who would train me in obedience, servitude and beat the crap out of me, but I’m not sure that I’m capable of submitting to someone I’m not intimately involved with.

I’m hoping that as the year progresses its flavor will evolve from vanilla to a more Neapolitan blend…

Filed under vanilla bdsm submissive dominant D/s sadism masochism exhibitionism sub Dom the-sub-files

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First Lesson in Obedience: Patience

I’ve been making a conscious effort not to be ruled by impulse and to think my decisions through. Recently this includes thinking about the direction that my relationships are going and whether that direction will increase or decrease their longevity. 

When Marcus and I went on our first date after several months of being out of touch, I made it a point to tell him exactly how much progress I’ve made since we’d last spoken and how different my goals as a submissive currently are compared to what they were when we first met. I made it pretty clear that I was no longer interested in a role play or “in the bedroom” situation. I told him that I have no current interest in further exploring my switch or Domme side. At the time my main purpose in telling him this was to establish early on that if he was interested in pursuing a relationship with me, he would have to understand that it would be very different from the one we’d previously attempted.

He hasn’t seemed to have any problem with that so far, but I find myself wondering if this assertion wasn’t a little presumptuous or naive on my part. 

Let’s be honest. I’m a newbie. The banner at the top of this site says, “The Chronicled Experiences and Musings of a Sub-in-Training.” To put it frankly: I don’t know shit. 

I don’t know shit about being in a long-term D/s relationship and the daily struggles that it entails. I don’t know about living with protocol, rituals or contracts. I don’t know how it feels to defer to a person on a daily basis about every major or minor decision in my life. I know that I like what I’ve been lucky enough to experience so far, but I don’t know how well I would react if I had to live with it constantly, day in and day out. 

I wonder if I shouldn’t be more open to alternate situations and outlooks. If, instead of being so eager to experience living with my kinks, I should learn more about them and really decide whether they’re things I can incorporate into the everyday structure of my existence. 

It occurred to me recently that most (healthy) D/s couples probably move slowly, careful to strike a balance that pleases and challenges both partners without them constantly feeling as though they’re living just within their limits.

My limit as of now is a 24/7 micromanaged, total power exchange relationship. A 24/7 TPE relationship means that every single one of the sub-type’s decisions is left to the Dom-type. How she wears her hair, what clothes she wears, how she walks, how she talks, the Dom-type is able to make every conceivable decision for her, even down to when and how often she goes to the restroom. Of course, most people don’t live like this, but there are some who do. I’ve never sought to be managed to that degree, but I think the control I’ve been craving is not far off from that. I’m now wondering how realistic it is to seek a relationship that’s dynamics are so close to my limits. It’s obvious to me now the benefits of working my way up, slowly introducing protocol, structure, rituals and seeing how well I adjust before then adding more. 

In a way I’ve been fetishizing my relationships instead of the specific actions or behaviors within them. I’ve wanted to experience obedience training and behavior modification, but never thought about how it would affect my Dom, influence our existing relationship and how we would progress from that point. I’ve never even given thought to what behaviors I’d like to modify or what the purpose of obedience training would be. I just know that I find pleasure in obedience and following the commands of a Dom I trust; I guess I thought that everything else would take care of itself. 

And so now I feel selfish. I’ve only asked Marcus once or twice whether there were any new fetishes he’s thought about exploring. I haven’t asked him whether he’s interested in long-term obedience training or behavior modification, I pretty much just told him that if he was interested in me, he’d have to learn. Luckily, he has seemed interested so far and the fact that he’s been so generous and willing to focus on my wants has definitely gotten him points, but I guess I’m realizing that if this relationship is going to have any long-term potential, I have to stop only thinking about myself and focus on the bigger picture. 

In part I think it’s difficult because the natural instinct when discovering something new is to explore it and learn about it, but BDSM doesn’t really lend itself well to casual play. Or at least in my case it doesn’t. Sure, I’ll let a friend or even an acquaintance spank me and maybe even tie me up, but I can’t imagine letting someone I don’t know objectify me to the degree I crave. As much as I love being called a bitch, cunt or slut by someone who adores me, the idea of a stranger doing the same thing completely turns me off. So how do I sate this new curiosity to explore unless it’s with someone I care about and trust? On the flip side, how can a new relationship progress organically when I keep trying to selfishly speed things up to experience all of the kinks I’ve been so eager to try? 

Despite my longing to submit, I’ve somehow forgotten that a good portion of submission is allowing yourself to be led or guided by another, to take a back seat to your own desires and trust that following your dominant will lead to the eventual fulfillment of both your needs. 

I imagine Patience sitting on my couch with ankles demurely crossed, tapping her time face as she waits for me to realize that I can’t have a successful relationship without her. Impulse runs circles around the room, trying to distract me. 

Filed under BDSM D/s TPE Dom sub submissive submission dominant obedience training behavior modification