I expected to update more frequently after my last post. I finally have a committed partner who, though largely inexperienced, is very adventurous and open-minded. He fits easily into the Dominant role & I assumed that after explaining my unique sexual needs, things would flow seamlessly.
I suppose things are flowing somewhat, though to say that it’s been seamless would be very generous. In fact, things have been frustrating in so many different ways that I’m not sure where to begin.
I finally ended up telling Brandon that some things would have to change in our sex life and that I do not enjoy vanilla sex. At the time he was very supportive and agreed that he also preferred kinkier, more adventurous sex. He made a commitment to do more research and try to figure out his Dom personality. I gave him advice when I could and pointed him in the direction of as many BDSM resources that I could find.
For a while, things were good.
We spent the 4th of July weekend in a secluded cabin in the mountains and tried role playing for the first time. He absolutely loved it, in fact, possibly too much. I played the young camper who attempts to seduce her camp counselor and after he finally relents, is humiliated and shamed for it. The next day we tried a scenario where I was in a bubble bath and he busted in the bathroom with a musket (it was lying around the cabin), sunglasses and a towel around the lower half of his face to appear like a robber. He then dragged me to the bedroom and attempted to have his way with me, but I called red because the scene was just a little too realistic for my taste.
Which brings me to our problem…
Brandon is great at role playing, but he’s still yet to grasp the importance of mental dominance and ensuring that I’m in a comfortable, submissive state both before and after scenes. Our scenes feel hollow, like acting, and the thought is always in the back of my head that I’m the one calling the shots, he’s not really in control.
He doesn’t understand that I want to be made to feel like putty, moldable, a blank canvas for him to paint with bruises, bite marks and scratches.
The hesitance of his touch, that unspoken question of permission, tells me that he has yet to accept the control that I’ve offered to him. I’ve told him to take my body at his leisure and yet every time he approaches me with caution and insecurity, communicating to me that I shouldn’t surrender, that I should remain alert and anxious in case he needs guidance or reassurance.
After that holiday weekend, our sex slowly reverted back to vanilla. I understand. Sometimes you just want to roll over in the morning and slide it inside of me without having to do the entire submissive/Dominant dance. I wish he would understand that those moments, that quick five minute fuck first thing in the morning or lazy love making as we drift into sleep, are still opportunities for him to dominate me, opportunities for him to take charge.
Instead he needles, prods and does all of the usual tricks boys do when they’re trying to get some, and all it does is grate on me and make me feel inadequate when those gestures fail to arouse me in the slightest.
Then I see my friends talking about new things they’re trying and how they’re exploring their sexuality and I’m frustrated that I seem to have retrogressed and am back at square one. I can’t even imagine when we’ll be at the point where I’m actually trying new things instead of attempting to introduce him to kinks and scenarios that I’ve been long familiar with.
He can’t seem to get past the physicality of everything. He keeps bringing up bondage tape and how he wants to buy some. I bite my tongue from telling him that some Doms do not rely on tools, they can simply fix their sub in a position, command her to stay and know that even if she wanted to move, she would be unable to. I crave that mental dominance so much.
I finally brought it up again, in perhaps too blunt of terms. I told him abrasively, unapologetically that vanilla sex simply DOES NOT work for me. I understand that for him kink and BDSM are added elements that enhance sex, but for me they are something I need to enjoy sex fully and until we incorporate more of that into our sex life it will suffer.
I immediately regretted by brashness, especially since I know how sensitive men are about sex and their performance, but sex is important to me in a relationship and it isn’t fair that I have to make sacrifices while he’s perfectly content to go on having the boring sex that’s shaped his experience thus far.
Sometimes I think about asking him if I can get another Dom or Domme, someone who I wouldn’t be sexual with, but who could demonstrate on me and to him how the mental aspect of BDSM works and how to create standards and expectations in our relationship so it feels less like he’s playing a role and more like a lifestyle.
I don’t know how to teach him. Lately I’ve found myself reflecting fondly on my past Doms, B and even Marcus, but especially B and the way he was capable of taking charge without needing reassurance or anything from me outside of willingness. I think about the way he grabbed my hair first thing in the morning and guided my face to his cock, confident that my mouth would open to receive him.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I care about Brandon deeply and I wouldn’t end what we have over this, not when he’s so great the other 95% of the time and otherwise so perfect for me. I just need him to really understand what a commitment this lifestyle is and that if he wants to be with me, it’s something that we’ll have to incorporate to some degree.
Since our talk the other day he’s become slightly more active on Fetlife and has thanked me for the kick in the ass, but I can’t help being skeptical, wondering if in two weeks we’ll be back at this same place.
My roommate is going out of town for the next 8 days so he’s planning his first role play scenario for Friday. All I know is that I’ll be playing his younger stepdaughter. I’m not sure how involved it’s going to be. It’s hard for me not to break character if it’s more than an hour or so.
I know that I play a role in all of this too. I can’t just expect Brandon to fit into this role without effort, without information or guidance. I think the problem is that he’s been looking to me for that information and guidance and that has been counterproductive in helping me to feel submissive towards him. I know how important it is to be patient, to let him figure out how he best fits into the role and what works for him. I just want him to try.